


Ship your enemy (glitter)

by DanzaNelFuoco



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Humor, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Jealous Vinsmoke Sanji, M/M, Prank Wars, Roronoa Zoro and Vinsmoke Sanji Bickering, Sanji is just an idiot, This Is STUPID, Zoro is just trying to do his best, oblivious Sanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22232686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanzaNelFuoco/pseuds/DanzaNelFuoco
Summary: Dear terrible human being, congratulations!You’ve pissed someone off so much that they went out of their way to pay me to send you the worst thing you can ever receive in an envelope: mother fucking glitter.Make friends with this glitter because for the next few days, weeks, and months this glitter will be your constant companion. You will find it on your skin, in your hair, even in the most delicate of places. Wherever you go, you will leave a trail of glitter in your wake.Glitter is going to haunt you: have a nice day!“Oh, fuck, great! Just great!”- - -In which Zoro is trying his best with questionable results, Sanji is as clueless as he is idiotic and Nami can't believe those two are actually fully grown men.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 141
Collections: Zoro and Sanji Fics





	Ship your enemy (glitter)

**Author's Note:**

> So the prompts for this one were "soup can" and "glitter" - don't ask me, you don't wanna know. 
> 
> "Ship your enemy glitters" actually exists and it's a service that allows you to well, that's pretty clear in the name, send glitters to people you hate. I just loved the idea.

“What the fuck?!” the idiot shouts from his room before stomping to Sanji’s and banging at his locked door. “Open up, you bastard!” 

The cook purses his lips and rolls his eyes. He may have been a little overdramatic with his revenge, but the Marimo deserved it. “Go away!” 

“Like hell! You’re gonna pay for this!” 

Sanji isn’t regretting the little prank. Sanji is regretting ever accepting to become a roommate with that uncultured ape that thinks the swords skills that earned him a scholarship are enough to attend college. 

The cook is not sure how all of it started. After all the first time they met, they didn’t even notice each other, so of course, no one could talk about hate at first sight. Zoro was in a puddle of blood for trying to confront out of the dojo his sword nemesis, Mihawk, and Sanji had a fight with an idiot customer at the bar he was working at - before getting fired for the said fight. 

So they were really just a little thought in the corner of each other's mind, nothing important, truly forgettable. 

Everything came up later. 

How their personality could grind so much was a mystery, and yet every word would spark a fight, every gesture would be misread into an offense and every situation would set them bickering.

If he were to ask Zoro, Sanji is sure the swordsman wouldn’t remember either how their little prank exchange had started. But sure as hell, Sanji isn’t letting him have the last word. 

Gathering one of his once very white shirts, now sporting an improbable shade of pink, Sanji opens the door and Zoro pushes past him inside the room. 

“Glitter?!” He yells, and yes the damned little sparkly sons of a bitch are all over his face, clinging to his hair, almost glued to the front of his t-shirt. “GLITTER?! Are you for real?!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking abou- ihhh!” Sanji shrieks as Zoro topples the half-full envelope, spilling the rest of the glitter in a cloud of dust that covers every inch of the room. 

“You - you - you asshole!” 

Zoro arches his glittery eyebrows. “ _Dear terrible human being, congratulations!_ ” He starts reading the letter that accompanied the glitter tsunami, stressing the words as if it was him to have sent the letter to Sanji and not the other way around, “ _you’ve pissed someone off so much that they went out of their way to pay me to send you the worst thing you can ever receive in an envelope: mother fucking glitter._ Well, yes, ero-cook, I’m sure you’ve thought this amazing joke through since we share the same common areas.”

“You didn’t have to bring glitters in my room!” 

“You didn’t have to send me glitters in the first place!” 

“I wouldn’t have to if you just hadn’t put all my wooden spoons into the water for a week when I was away so that they would be moldy when I got back!”

“It was an accident!” 

“Just as it was an accident you dying all my shirts pink?” 

“YES!” 

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not!” 

“Yes, sure!” Sanji snarls sarcastically. “We’re _totally_ not in a prank war! I forced you to eat canned soup for a week!” 

Zoro looks really taken aback. “I was just trying to be nice because we keep fighting day in and day out. An olive branch. I didn’t know your spoons would get mold or that your stupid red shirt would ruin the whole load! But now I regret not to do it on purpose!” 

Sanji doesn’t believe him of course. Of course, the idiot has done everything knowing what he was doing. Of course. Because if he hasn’t… Sanji eyes the letter still in Zoro’s hands and begins to wonder if he should start regretting his prank. Because the look on Zoro’s face really says he did not know a single thing about a prank war.

Following his gaze, Zoro realizes he’s still clutching the letter. “Oh, well, guess I should continue, 

Least this wonderful prank of yours goes undervalued.” He snarls and suddenly Sanji is feeling a jerk. “ _It must be a great honor receiving this letter to inform you that your douchebaggery has not gone unnoticed. Your trophy has come in the form of craft herpes. It’s a sort of recognition for the way you waste precious air and people valuable time since now we are going to take a little of yours…_ ”

Zoro’s voice fades as he keeps reading and by the time he reaches the end of the sentence he’s just silently mouthing the words. 

In Sanji’s defense, he didn’t know they would be so harsh as to tell him he was wasting air. On the other hand, he feels like telling Zoro he just paid for the envelope without adding a personalized card wouldn’t do much good. He prepares to parry, ready for the umpteenth fight he knows it’s gonna burst between them, but Zoro doesn’t unsheathe the swords hanging at his side.

The swordsman throws the envelope on the other’s bed, spreading the last few glitters still trapped inside it on the blanket. “Yeah, ok, I got it. I’m done. I just thought it was a bad period, I didn’t understand you were a jerk who thought himself too good and classy for the rest of the world. And I like canned soup.” 

Mic drop, Zoro exits, leaving Sanji to feel like an asshole. 

Yeah, ok, maybe it was just a little misunderstanding that Sanji took it way too personal, but they were just like that - all fighting, arguing, bickering and being a general annoyance for each other. How else were they supposed to communicate? 

Sanji smears glitter on the bed and himself trying to clean it enough to be able to sleep in it that night and picks up the letter. 

_“Make friends with this glitter because for the next few days, weeks, and months this glitter will be your constant companion. You will find it on your skin, in your hair, even in the most delicate of places. Wherever you go, you will leave a trail of glitter in your wake._

_Glitter is going to haunt you: have a nice day!_ ” 

“Oh, fuck, great! Just great!” 

* * * 

“You two are utterly ridiculous!” Nami exclaims and Sanji would love to tell her “yes, of course, Nami you are always right”, but this time he has to disagree. “Always fighting and bickering. You can’t go on like this!” she warns him, weaving in his face a piece of cake impaled on a fork. 

Sanji hides his face in the cup of tea he’s sipping. “We aren’t, Nami-schwann!”

“You aren’t what?” She frowns because Sanji isn’t making much sense. 

“We aren’t going on. At all.” The soon to be chef plays with the teaspoon, stirring his brew for the umpteenth time. “Like, that stupid Marimo stopped talking to me.” 

“Why?” 

“Said he didn’t want to use too much valuable air.” 

“Oh, come on you guys!” Nami rolls her eyes. “He’s still mad for the glitters? You need to talk about this UST between you two.” 

“No, I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about anything with him, not even UST - whatever it is. We are fine. He doesn’t talk to me and it’s the best thing that could have ever happened. For the first time in ages, it’s quiet. No more repairs in the flat because the idiot had to provoke me into a fight, no more of his stupid weightlifting in the middle of the living room, no more bottle of cooking sakè snatched from my kitchen… It’s all perfectly fine.” 

Nami sighs because really, Sanji doesn’t even sound convincing to himself and the geographer isn’t that easy to fool. 

“Oh really? Then why I keep hearing about this stupid glitter fight? It’s been a week and you can’t stop talking about it.” 

Sanji concentrates on stirring his already cold and sugared tea, taking his time to answer. “I know it’s not about the glitter. I know, ok? It’s just - I don’t understand him.”

Nami coughs a few times what sounds suspiciously like a mix between a withheld laugh and a chocking sound. “You don’t understand Roronoa Zoro? Are you kidding me?” And now every suspicion is erased by the fact that she’s opening laughing. 

Sanji should probably get offended, but he could forgive anything to Nami. 

“Sanji, he’s the simplest guy I’ve ever met. _You_ are giving him mixed signals.” 

“I’m _what_?” 

“Ok, we’ll do it the scientific way.” Nami huffs as she searches for his purse and takes out a notepad and a pen. “Tell me about the other jokes you did to him in this so-called prank war. And spare me the glitter one, I’ve heard enough of that from both of you. I want to know about the ones he didn’t notice. But first, let me write evidence number one.”

Her elegant calligraphy puts a title at the top of the white page. “UST and how Sanji unresolved it even further”. Under it Nami writes a dotted one followed by “Glitter: Zoro had to take three showers to look at least decent to meet up with Robin”. 

“How is this helpful? And what is a UST?” 

“Don’t worry, Sanji. Everything will be clear in the end. What other joke did you pull on him?” 

“I made him ate canned soup for a week.”

“That’s your prank?” Nami frowns “Canned soup?

“Well, first of all, I didn’t grace him with my amazing cooking skills for a week,” the cook scoffs like he couldn’t believe Nami wouldn’t deem this punishment enough, “and second, that was the same horrible canned soup they serve in the canteen. The oily one with a lot of garlic.” 

“Uhm uhm. The one that gives you foul breath. And when was that?”

“When? I’m not sure. Three weeks ago?”

Ah yes,” Nami smirks, “when he went out with that Perona girl for an assignment. A week-long assignment. Say again, why did you stop giving him canned soup? 

“I grew tired of the prank,” he replies wearily. “I’m sorry, Nami, but I don’t see how this could be useful.”

“Oh, trust me, it is useful. And besides, even if it isn’t, wouldn’t you just do it for me?” Nami gives him the saccharine smile that usually hides a trap but that man can’t avoid to fall for. 

“Yes, of course, Nami dear!” Sanji almost chants, because the geographer knows perfectly how to press his buttons. 

“Than humor me as I try to prove a point.” She’s mere inches to pat his head in a ‘your a good boy’ gesture. Ah, men are so easy, even the ones that are not interested in her. “So, what else did you do?” 

“I threw away his new bottle of oil, you know the one that he uses to clean his swords.” 

“The one that Tashigi gave him on his birthday? Or the one absolutely identical that _you_ gave him on his birthday?” Now that Nami puts it that way Sanji does look like the jerk Zoro accused him to be without even knowing half of what Sanji pulled in in those two months.

“Tashigi’s, mine had a red etiquette, it was better. But don’t you wanna know in response to what I did that?”

“No, we have already stated Zoro didn’t know about a prank war, so it doesn’t matter. Now, what else did you do?” 

“I - I kind of cracked his GPS. You know, so that he would always be late to appointments..” Sanji is not particularly proud of this one. Knowing the directionally challenged marimo had a list of instructions to reach the important and most visited places like classrooms and the Thousand Sunny, he just wanted him to make him look bad in front of less important people than his professors and his friends. 

“Late to what? He never uses his GPS and he never has 'dates'.” 

“What? Of course, he has dates! He went out with Bonney!” 

Nami snorts. “I don’t know why they went out, but it wasn’t a date. Jewelry Bonney is not interested in men.”

Sanji is surprised and ok, whatever, who cared if that wasn’t a date, his goal was achieved nonetheless, even if it wasn’t as effective. 

“And Zoro isn’t interested in girls.” 

“He’s - He’s -” Sanji gapes, not able to form a coherent reply, so he settles for a “How do you know?”

“It’s like common knowledge. I didn’t think you were the only one who didn’t know,” Nami shrugs and leaves him a little time to elaborate the information. She hopes this will connect little dots in his head that would point him in the right direction, to understand that his problem is not as much wanting to kill Zoro as wanting to fuck him. 

Maybe she just broke Sanji instead. 

“Did you do something else?” She asks when he keeps looking at his mug willing it to spill the secrets of the universe. 

“Uh - what?” Sanji comes back from the very distant place he had reached. 

“I asked you if you did anything else.” 

“Yes. I hid his phone when he was waiting for a call. Nothing important, they were just calling to tell him when his next match with Mihawk would be. I mean, it was important for him, but it didn’t compromise his match if he couldn’t answer the call in time.”

Yes, very considerate of him, but still Nami is taken aback. This breaks the scheme because it doesn’t involve a girl. Or maybe…

“Why did you pull this prank to him?” 

“You want to know, now?” 

“Yes.”

“His not-really-a-prank was... well, he stood me up. He said he would meet me at the cafeteria to give me biology’s notes and then arrived late.”

“You hid his phone because he arrived late to give you notes?” She grimaces. 

“Yes! I had to wait for him for two hours!” 

“Sanji, you live in the same damn flat, he could have given you the notes there!”

“Yes, but he owned me a coffee because of a bet I won and he said to meet him there so he could also give me my notes and then he was two hours late! It was too much to just be his problem with directions. Afterward, I discovered he left me there hanging because he got involved in his training with Tashigi.”

Nami half laughs half snorts at his outrage. She was right all along. “Oh my God, just as I thought. You are unbelievable, Sanji.” 

“What?”

“Let me recap” she takes the neatly written sheet and starts reading the list. 

1\. Glitter: Zoro had to take three showers to look at least decent to meet up with Robin

2\. Soup: foul breath for a week while he was meeting up with Perona

3\. Choji: Zoro had to use Sanji’s oil to polish his katanas (competition with Tashigi)

4\. Gps: late to a “date” with Bonney

5\. Phone: couldn’t answer in time to a call because of hidden phone (revenge because he dumped Sanji for Tashigi)

“Don’t you see a pattern in this?”

Sanji looks puzzled, trying to make sense of what Nami is saying. 

“Do you realize that your one-way prank war was actually an attempt to sabotage Zoro’s dates? Better said, what you thought were Zoro’s dates?”

The realization hits him like a punch. “What? No!” 

“Sanji, I’m sorry to break this to you but: You are jealous.” 

“I - I -” he gapes trying to find some argument with which counter what the girl is saying

“You are. Now ask Zoro out or I swear I’ll tell Luffy. And you know Luffy, next thing he’ll be delivering participations for yours and Zoro’s wedding.”

“Nami, my dear, I’m not saying you are wrong but -”

“Right, because I’m not wrong. Now go. I’ll pay your tea and add it up to your debt.” With interests of course.

* * * 

It takes Sanji three days to gather up the resolve. Zoro is training in his room, not leaving it except to use the toilet and going out to classes or training. It’s just luck the crew hasn’t gathered at the Thousand Sunny for a drinking round or something along those lines because Sanji isn’t sure Zoro wouldn’t have ditched that too and the cook doesn’t want to be the one to wreck the group. 

So it’s basically that and the fact that Nami keeps calling him to ask him if he already talked with the swordsman. The second day he received a call from Robin inquiring about the progress of the whole business and for how much Sanji loves to talk to her, this isn’t something he feels comfortable to discuss with her. 

Because Sanji thought about it. Though about it a lot and he reached a conclusion. 

This is…. completely impossible and absurd and insane and - worth a try.

So when the third day it’s Usopp that calls him offering advice and information about dates he never had - and Nami afterward menaces him that she’s running short of nakama to tell this piece of information and Luffy’s time is growing closer - Sanji decides this is the moment. 

Knocking on Zoro’s door doesn’t deliver any answer, but he knows the swordsman is in, so he tries the handle and the door opens. 

Zoro is there, weightlifting the iron equivalent of Sanji with a single hand, bare-chested and covered in sweat. At the sight, Sanji’s mouth waters and he must admit Nami was right and he was an idiot for not noticing before. 

“What do you want?” Zoro asks, sharply. And ok, maybe it’s not the best of welcomes, but at least he’s talking to him. 

“Here’s my olive branch,” Sanji says, extending his hands to show him two soup cans. He could go on and talk a lot - he tried four different speeches before even considering knocking at his door - but he just knows the man prefers facts to words. 

Zoro eyes him unimpressed. “Two?” 

“Go out on a date with me.” He doesn’t need to explain, to tell him that of course, he doesn’t think himself better than Zoro, that he too can eat that soup if Zoro likes it, even if it’s not French or good or even near to edible. 

“Ok.” 

Sanji’s jaw goes slack. “Ok? No arguing? No insults?"

“No. But you can spare us the soup.” 

“Why?” 

“It’s a date, isn’t it? I don’t want you with foul breath afterward.” 


End file.
